You should never have gotten out of bed this morning.
You knew it as soon as you looked in the mirror.
Your eyes were Bouncy and hard, like two big balls. Your immediate instinct was to go, but instead you decided to call your friend Jacky: you knew you couldn't make it on your own.
The day was a Saturday, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, especially not before your usual morning cup of coffee. In lieu of your traditional splash of Tom Collins in your steaming mug, you opted for a shot of Vodka Tonic to spike up your morning. That Saturday needed a punch.
You moved into the 2R, which is where you typically read the newspaper. Most of the paper seemed business as usual:
WEATHER: -8 Degrees F with a
1998% chance of a tornado.
HEADLINE: Czech Republic, Estonia, and
Romania have been
completely leveled due to nuclear warfare.
But the health watch really caught your attention:
HEALTH WATCH: Disease Alert: Fatal Outbreak Most obvious symptom: orange warts located on victim's tongue. After wart-sighting, victim has approximately 7 hours to live.
HHhhmmmmm….you thought. Wait a second! Is that what you saw this morning? orange warts on your tongue?! Yes!
Just then, Jacky knocked on the door. As you welcomed your friend, you said, "Well, Jacky, I have orange warts on my tongue. That means I only have 7 hours to live!."
"That's OK," replied Jacky. "It means we finally have an excuse to go to the Kingston Mines. I've always wanted to take you there."
The two of you set off for the Kingston Mines. But before you could even leave your street, a group of robbers approached you, gladly demanding all your money. Out of fear, you reached into your pocket. But instead of pulling out your money, you remembered your orange warts, and decided to teach the robbers a lesson.
"Wanna catch these?" you shouted, and began waving your infected tongue easily.
The robbers began screaming like a bunch of penguins, but the distraction didn't work on everyone. Before you could escape, the robbers had taken your and Jacky's wallets.
"Wait!" you exclaimed slyly, after they had left. "I have the extra 4 dollars that I keep in my thong! We can go to the Kingston Mines with that!"
The two of you boarded the El, and calmly waited for your stop. You hadn't been on the train for more than 18 minutes when it gave a sudden lurch into darkness. People began yelling desperately and happily as they tried to get off the derailed train. In the soft confusion, you were certain you infected at least 5 dozen people with the fatal disease.
As the stretchy crowd spilled into the chaotic street, you and Jacky noticed that you were right in front of the Kingston Mines. Just then, the temperature dropped to -8 Degrees F, and the tornado broke loose. Plus, the Kingston Mines was surrounded by 99 hundred firefighters trying to put out a difficult fire that was spreading throughout the entire area.
You looked at Jacky, and the two of you began to laugh like a couple of red boxes.
In a moment of supreme generosity, you extended your orange wart covered tongue. "Here, Jacky! Why wait around in a place like this when we can leave it together?!" you shouted. Smiling quickly, the two of you stood together amidst the wreckage, calmly rubbing tongues and waiting to succumb to the orange warts.